christmas.....

recently got my face hacked into but all and all it was a pretty slack week... lots of sleeping and thinking, lots of going on facebook, taking pain meds and antibiotics, drinking chocolate milk, and more sleeping...

its really sad... everyone seems to be out and about visiting with friends and family yet here i am all alone at home. its hard to know that all your old friends moved on and drifted away so fast... don't get wrong i don't expect to be invited to these events anymore....

it's just fucking rough. seeing the pictures when you were there just a year ago for the past 8 fucking years... how fast you are forgotton and how you aren't even worth a stupid fucking mass text merry christmas anymore... not even important enough to be clicked into spam....

i mean we used to write each other long heartfelt christmas cards.... i kept everyone for each of you... thought it was fucking important... i mean who cares about the stupid sweater or pair of socks or chocolates... i loved the card and the message... writing about our memories....

weren't we all friends? before i dated her we were all friends together.... but now i see we weren't really at all.... it really turned into more of i was the bf and well we broke up and now i'm cut... but i guess that is what happened isn't it?

i always said that even though we didn't show it we'd step in front of a bullet for each other in a heartbeat.... thats how i defined and considered someone a good close friend... but now i don't even know... was i just a bad judge of character? i mean ya everyone is busy and shit and life and fuck and its hard to stay in touch but i'm not even worth the effort? 


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then i see others happy too like my 1/2 gfs which is happy times and i don't wanna be 7th wheel to their triple dates and holidays parties! but it doesn't make me feel much better...


hell i've barely seen anyone this break.... i mean mollie you're gone, claubs well you're a hermit like usual but we did go shopping, alexa you're gone, pasha well we'll ski like we always do, marina i don't even know though we even promised but it doesn't look promising....trobbins i've probably spent the most time with you this break RHAPSODY haha good times friend as always your sarcasm and deadpan are always on and appreciated over here...though you're gone to NC now wtf?

i've never had many friends... i dont' expect to have my day planner packed... and i guess everyone else jsut moved on... don't me wrong i love my new med crew all the same even though i'm not sure they care for me at times especially b.w. .... but horcs his wifey and mrs wheeler even toked up red head and garbage day just make my life.... they've just all gone home....

i guess i hate to let go.... actually i guess i hate that i'm tossed away before i'm ready to be....

i should end positively its the holidays... anything is better than MSK and TBL, my face is healing up nicely at least and i face timed a lot with jess... she's pretty much only ever seen me when i'm gross during movember and my chipmunk self... so if she can tolerate that .....

merry christmas everyone....

being needed....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zsCD5XCu6CM&feature=related

am i really that crazy? i guess it just made me feel so worthless and so unneccesary,... and its not even your fault. i know you didn't mean it but i guess its just a trend in my life thats made me oversensitive about it...

why does it always happen this way? sigh why am i like this? i just have this need to be needed.. to know that i'm wanted, to know that i'm valued, to like be included....

like when salmon said she sent cupcakes to me as a surprise even though they didn't come that was enough... to really make my day like it really just is the thought that counts. or when like you guys drove up... so i know it's not like you don't care but like i just can't help the way i feel....

 loool the most fucked part is that i sanctioned it like what was i fucking expecting? when you make the perfet pass to a guy standing backdoor he's gonna tap it in even if he's horcoff... yet now i feel this strange feeling i don't know if its protective or jealous or what...i mean horcoff has to score there its not his fault. he did nothing wrong... really its not you, i'm more mad at the goalie... for trying to say the puck didn't fully cross the line... like you think i'm stupid?... or maybe you just think you're super sneaky... who knows...

man this yantra mat can't even help me... and it ALWAYS helps.... anyways fuck it...

but really you did nothign wrong horcoff... not your fault management signed you for so much... eventhough i know that sometimes the fans still hate him right?

house of cards is finally tumbling down...

i called it sadly enough i really did... though it did last much longer than i had anticipated and even had me thinking maybe what if... but too bad this isn't a rom-com and too bad "the guy" isn't going to make a big giant touching extremely thoughtful gesture and everything will be okay.. it's just too bad

i just really wish i could've done more...  i'm so sorry for the pain i did to you (un)intentionally.... i knew i shouldn't have done some of those things though i never was "wrong" it still wasn't great... i'm weak like that and i hate it...

also i have no idea why i like cimorelli <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JTMOsJTJ8OQ> covering best thing i never had... they really aren't even that good...

its just a bad week for mee... i've always been the help... i've always been so very blessed; to be able to give, to be able to extend a hand, to be able to support....  instead of need...but like i just can't do it... work/anxiety/awkwardness/tension/sadness/a bit of family crazy even... i don't even have time to play HoN for crying out loud no destressor...  its just too stressful.... so i'm sorry i lash out at my friends... though i wouldn't even call it lashing.. i just make you feel bad or i neglect you guys thuogh i don't mean to so i hope you can forgive...

and holy crap why did i get rejected for a scene visa card fml... i really wanted those free four movies...

and its so awkward... and nothing is the same... and i hate change... so i sit here like dead... so very tired having to wake up and by being sleep depriving myself and not really being there... i can make it through the day... i can do my work and hope that everyone will get better, like they don't even have to be good just maybe okay? it is really so much to ask?

my abstract painting is now just a bunch of separate shapes... and i still love all my shapes but sometimes a complex beautiful object is more than just a sum of its parts....

my prayers go out to everyone i can't help... truly sorry i am..

the fallout of a fail...

hmm this could not have come at a worse time... i'm done cardio and i gave up tv shows and i don't even want to play video games... there's nothing to do but sulk... and sulk and sulk and sulk...

work was really shitty... everyone yelled at me. my friend who was supposed to cover for me forgot it was daylight savings time so she didn't come in until 5 and i didn't get there until around 5:15... but like i didn't even give a shit... elise was really nice... i appreciate that...

after work i cuoldn't even do anything... i wasn't even hungry. i went over to elise's and we just sat and talked for a while... she has boston pizza bread and i ate some lol... yum and cold spring rolls guess i was hungry from the day... i don't know why i'm sad, like it was obvious that it was impossible and i was just a little too late but a lot too late.

i'm just staying up and playing tetris because i can't sleep... i ended up watching an episode of the big bang theory... i'm so bad... but i couldn't help it... i just needed to get my mind off it. you know whats sad? i'm glad to know that you were hurt over our breakup... i honestly thought you didn't care; that you just gave me a chance because i badgered you because you seemed so unphased... i'm glad i meant somethign to you even if i don't anymore...

i cried driving home and i cried when you texted me at night... i couldn't even read it... elise was like she'll text you later and then you did... i read it and thank you but no offense you can't really help me... since it'll just make me like you more... everytime i think i'm going somewehre.... it just takes one thing and i'm attached and back to square one. i work so hard to clean up the mess and put in into a tidy little box up in the attic but then i see you or i have one talk with you and everything just spills back out again... story of my lifeee... roseettteee crushedd sigh i loved singing that with you except you didnt' know i was singing it about you.

anyways i eventually passed out and like died at school since i had class at 8. after school i just didn't want to be alone so i went to my friends house and cooked for them... and then made him ruin his lent too but making him play NHL with me... i just couldn't go home and be alone... then i had volleyball and man was it shit... just complete ass i couldn't focus and just sucked and everyone else didn't do so well either... and that just made everything worse because that was supposed to be fun and i was looking so forward too it... then i went back over to his house and just chilled some more... but still didn't eat much...

i feel sick like so sick... it is even like manifesting physically... i stayed at jerry's place until like midnight... and then i made my way home... and i don't even wann aplay video games... i don't know.. i feel sick.. and tired but i can't even sleep or eat...

i kinda wanna cut you out... it'd make everything so much easier... but so much worse at the same time. plus i am the type to just put on my smile and suck it up but id on't know if i can keep that up... why did you stop caring? i wuold never stop caring... like no matter how much i get screwed over.. because thats what friends do... like i guess you just got fed up with me and pasha but i think thats what friendship is all about... if you do something stupid your friends willl forgive you or understand even if you hurt them because they know you and give you the benefit of the doubt everything single time... i've been screwed over by pasha plenty of times but in the end we're just good buddies... i cuold never just care less... i dont' know how you managed to do that... its like hwo pasha said... true friends can just go over to each other's house and take a nap without asking because even though thats inconvenient or a hassle a friend would understand... you're always welcome to come take a nap if you're tired but i feel like i'm not....

and i really hate how when i said so no, not ever you said well "i dunno" and "i can't say"... like fuck really just leave me a little hook to get stuck on... like just a sliver of hope... i know you were just trying to be honest but like really? REALLY? gosh... if the chances are 1/million or even less you know i'd take those odds... so now what? i don't know... elise said it'll get better over time... but i don't know...

i can't just go hang out with people everyday and school is starting up again... i'll just be alone... i don't think i can go to your birthday... it's just to hard to put on a happy face because id on't wanna bring down the fun of the party right?

so i'm listening to that zelda medley again as my nose clogs up and i sit... alone brooding... i don't know what else to type but i can't sleep yet... hope this doesn't last too long....

going crazy...

all i can do is play HoN and be reminded of how i used to pick that over talking to you... how fucking dumb was that? but i can't help but play because there's nothing else... just aloneness... so i play and i get to talk to people mainly just idiot gamers like myself who are just bitching about how stupid the other players are but... its something and thats all i get... oh and that song my taylor swift... my december well covered by that christina grimmie girl... maybe i'm just being ridiculous but that song just stays on repeat and i really think it applies to me...

i mean i'm gonna man up and win you back! i just gotta i don't know what else i'd do.... solomia tells me to not get my hopes up and i know i shouldn't but i can't help it... but hope and hope and hope... it's probably too late and retarded but i can't help but think about you. i can't help to think what if? maybe just maybe? but reality is gonna hit soon and well i hope shit doesn't hit the fan...

i want you to know that i value your friendship the most. like the most. like it goes immediate family than you and chrisitian... and sometimes i just tell myself i shuold smile because you're my friend and not cry because maybe thats all i am to you... but FUCK settling. you're the gold medal and i want that i don't wany anything less.. if things go wrong just know that please know that you're soo important to me no matter what happens like you have no idea. and thats kinda my fault because you can't understand whats goign on in my brain because i' weird..... i just want to at least have tried.. one last time...

you know what else sucks? we broke up over the phone... i cried myself to sleep and i was actually so hurt... that i wasn't even gonna come to class... but i wanted to see you... but then you didn't show up the next day either.. and i don't know, i really wish you did, so we could've talked but you didn't and we just didn't talk because i didn't call for a long time.... because i'm dumb and had unrealistic expectations that the relationship was gonna be perfect since you are perfect but thats not how the world works... then you saw me getting free pizza with jessica and that was soo wrong...

it looked bad and it was bad... like i texted her a lot when we were dating at the end but it wasn't like i was seriously considering dumping you for her or anything close at ALL...like that homewrecker shit.. all i wanted was for you to tell me i was being stupid and then i'd stop.. ijust wanted that confirmation but then we got into a big argument and like fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck....all for a fucking ego trip... but now i realize i was jsut being stupid and selfish... but then we did break up and she was there to be my rebound... and i regret it so much...

i'm real sorry for making you come to my birthday with her there... that was kinda dumb... and kinda when i realized i definitely wasn't over you... i just couldn't just break it off with her though... so i spent another month or whatever it was in a loveless relationship only to end it later...  honestly i don't know how i got through that summer... i think i just immersed myself in two jobs and stayed up late watching stupid tv shows... to keep my mind off of shit........

i tried raelly hard to mend things with you... texting and shit was awkward at first not gonna lie.. but i toughed it out.. and there was a lot of you calling me stupid and i took it.... and i don't think we were really okay until after i wrote you that christmas card.... i spent so long trying to convey the right message.... the part about being good friends since we tried and failed was a bit of a fib... but hey i'm not perfect... i was pretty dissapointed when i read yours... there wasn't any substance behind it... but i guess its because you didn't have anything to write.... at least you thoughtful enough to know i needed black socks... unless that was just a random purchase but either way....

all these cougars and shit... fuck meee i'm like actually not interested at ALL. liek maybe i think i am... kinda like with white girl at start of the year but as soon as anything starts i just don't feel it... i just want you. and like with this other chick... again i know i talked to you about like maybe getting with her... but like i didn't want that... i didn't see myself ending up with her... and i maybe wanted her there to have someone to talk to and care for me and NOT mess around with like you implied... but in the end i decided against it... because again i can't keep my mind off you...

maybe i'm some hopeless guy with a delusional mind but it must be your fault for bludgeoning me in the head with your personality and beatufiul good looks and athleticism and brains and just EVERYTHING. the way you used to flinch hardcore when i poked you in the side... and how crazy you got with solomia... or how you think your feet or gross... or how sam tied your shoes to your desk that one day...rofl...

i hope reminiscing isn't all i get to do from now on....

fuck i really need to study for my cardio midterm... hopefully i can now at least a bit...

oh feelings...

i really miss you again... but like i can never tell if it's one of those i don't have it so i want it kind of things or if i genuinely miss you. i really think and hope its the latter but i'm kinda too stupid to know...

when i'm stressed... thats all i can think about... and it kinda sucks cause school and shit is pretty stressful or maybe this whole feelings business is making school stressful... i don't know...

i really want to do a big giant romantic win you back kind of thing... but like i doubt you even see it like that anymore.. but hey i never wanna have any regrets... so i'll plan and hopefully man up even though i have a bad track record and maybe just maybe a miracle will happen... oh rachel...