the fallout of a fail...

hmm this could not have come at a worse time... i'm done cardio and i gave up tv shows and i don't even want to play video games... there's nothing to do but sulk... and sulk and sulk and sulk...

work was really shitty... everyone yelled at me. my friend who was supposed to cover for me forgot it was daylight savings time so she didn't come in until 5 and i didn't get there until around 5:15... but like i didn't even give a shit... elise was really nice... i appreciate that...

after work i cuoldn't even do anything... i wasn't even hungry. i went over to elise's and we just sat and talked for a while... she has boston pizza bread and i ate some lol... yum and cold spring rolls guess i was hungry from the day... i don't know why i'm sad, like it was obvious that it was impossible and i was just a little too late but a lot too late.

i'm just staying up and playing tetris because i can't sleep... i ended up watching an episode of the big bang theory... i'm so bad... but i couldn't help it... i just needed to get my mind off it. you know whats sad? i'm glad to know that you were hurt over our breakup... i honestly thought you didn't care; that you just gave me a chance because i badgered you because you seemed so unphased... i'm glad i meant somethign to you even if i don't anymore...

i cried driving home and i cried when you texted me at night... i couldn't even read it... elise was like she'll text you later and then you did... i read it and thank you but no offense you can't really help me... since it'll just make me like you more... everytime i think i'm going somewehre.... it just takes one thing and i'm attached and back to square one. i work so hard to clean up the mess and put in into a tidy little box up in the attic but then i see you or i have one talk with you and everything just spills back out again... story of my lifeee... roseettteee crushedd sigh i loved singing that with you except you didnt' know i was singing it about you.

anyways i eventually passed out and like died at school since i had class at 8. after school i just didn't want to be alone so i went to my friends house and cooked for them... and then made him ruin his lent too but making him play NHL with me... i just couldn't go home and be alone... then i had volleyball and man was it shit... just complete ass i couldn't focus and just sucked and everyone else didn't do so well either... and that just made everything worse because that was supposed to be fun and i was looking so forward too it... then i went back over to his house and just chilled some more... but still didn't eat much...

i feel sick like so sick... it is even like manifesting physically... i stayed at jerry's place until like midnight... and then i made my way home... and i don't even wann aplay video games... i don't know.. i feel sick.. and tired but i can't even sleep or eat...

i kinda wanna cut you out... it'd make everything so much easier... but so much worse at the same time. plus i am the type to just put on my smile and suck it up but id on't know if i can keep that up... why did you stop caring? i wuold never stop caring... like no matter how much i get screwed over.. because thats what friends do... like i guess you just got fed up with me and pasha but i think thats what friendship is all about... if you do something stupid your friends willl forgive you or understand even if you hurt them because they know you and give you the benefit of the doubt everything single time... i've been screwed over by pasha plenty of times but in the end we're just good buddies... i cuold never just care less... i dont' know how you managed to do that... its like hwo pasha said... true friends can just go over to each other's house and take a nap without asking because even though thats inconvenient or a hassle a friend would understand... you're always welcome to come take a nap if you're tired but i feel like i'm not....

and i really hate how when i said so no, not ever you said well "i dunno" and "i can't say"... like fuck really just leave me a little hook to get stuck on... like just a sliver of hope... i know you were just trying to be honest but like really? REALLY? gosh... if the chances are 1/million or even less you know i'd take those odds... so now what? i don't know... elise said it'll get better over time... but i don't know...

i can't just go hang out with people everyday and school is starting up again... i'll just be alone... i don't think i can go to your birthday... it's just to hard to put on a happy face because id on't wanna bring down the fun of the party right?

so i'm listening to that zelda medley again as my nose clogs up and i sit... alone brooding... i don't know what else to type but i can't sleep yet... hope this doesn't last too long....

going crazy...

all i can do is play HoN and be reminded of how i used to pick that over talking to you... how fucking dumb was that? but i can't help but play because there's nothing else... just aloneness... so i play and i get to talk to people mainly just idiot gamers like myself who are just bitching about how stupid the other players are but... its something and thats all i get... oh and that song my taylor swift... my december well covered by that christina grimmie girl... maybe i'm just being ridiculous but that song just stays on repeat and i really think it applies to me...

i mean i'm gonna man up and win you back! i just gotta i don't know what else i'd do.... solomia tells me to not get my hopes up and i know i shouldn't but i can't help it... but hope and hope and hope... it's probably too late and retarded but i can't help but think about you. i can't help to think what if? maybe just maybe? but reality is gonna hit soon and well i hope shit doesn't hit the fan...

i want you to know that i value your friendship the most. like the most. like it goes immediate family than you and chrisitian... and sometimes i just tell myself i shuold smile because you're my friend and not cry because maybe thats all i am to you... but FUCK settling. you're the gold medal and i want that i don't wany anything less.. if things go wrong just know that please know that you're soo important to me no matter what happens like you have no idea. and thats kinda my fault because you can't understand whats goign on in my brain because i' weird..... i just want to at least have tried.. one last time...

you know what else sucks? we broke up over the phone... i cried myself to sleep and i was actually so hurt... that i wasn't even gonna come to class... but i wanted to see you... but then you didn't show up the next day either.. and i don't know, i really wish you did, so we could've talked but you didn't and we just didn't talk because i didn't call for a long time.... because i'm dumb and had unrealistic expectations that the relationship was gonna be perfect since you are perfect but thats not how the world works... then you saw me getting free pizza with jessica and that was soo wrong...

it looked bad and it was bad... like i texted her a lot when we were dating at the end but it wasn't like i was seriously considering dumping you for her or anything close at ALL...like that homewrecker shit.. all i wanted was for you to tell me i was being stupid and then i'd stop.. ijust wanted that confirmation but then we got into a big argument and like fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck....all for a fucking ego trip... but now i realize i was jsut being stupid and selfish... but then we did break up and she was there to be my rebound... and i regret it so much...

i'm real sorry for making you come to my birthday with her there... that was kinda dumb... and kinda when i realized i definitely wasn't over you... i just couldn't just break it off with her though... so i spent another month or whatever it was in a loveless relationship only to end it later...  honestly i don't know how i got through that summer... i think i just immersed myself in two jobs and stayed up late watching stupid tv shows... to keep my mind off of shit........

i tried raelly hard to mend things with you... texting and shit was awkward at first not gonna lie.. but i toughed it out.. and there was a lot of you calling me stupid and i took it.... and i don't think we were really okay until after i wrote you that christmas card.... i spent so long trying to convey the right message.... the part about being good friends since we tried and failed was a bit of a fib... but hey i'm not perfect... i was pretty dissapointed when i read yours... there wasn't any substance behind it... but i guess its because you didn't have anything to write.... at least you thoughtful enough to know i needed black socks... unless that was just a random purchase but either way....

all these cougars and shit... fuck meee i'm like actually not interested at ALL. liek maybe i think i am... kinda like with white girl at start of the year but as soon as anything starts i just don't feel it... i just want you. and like with this other chick... again i know i talked to you about like maybe getting with her... but like i didn't want that... i didn't see myself ending up with her... and i maybe wanted her there to have someone to talk to and care for me and NOT mess around with like you implied... but in the end i decided against it... because again i can't keep my mind off you...

maybe i'm some hopeless guy with a delusional mind but it must be your fault for bludgeoning me in the head with your personality and beatufiul good looks and athleticism and brains and just EVERYTHING. the way you used to flinch hardcore when i poked you in the side... and how crazy you got with solomia... or how you think your feet or gross... or how sam tied your shoes to your desk that one day...rofl...

i hope reminiscing isn't all i get to do from now on....

fuck i really need to study for my cardio midterm... hopefully i can now at least a bit...