the fallout of a fail...

hmm this could not have come at a worse time... i'm done cardio and i gave up tv shows and i don't even want to play video games... there's nothing to do but sulk... and sulk and sulk and sulk...

work was really shitty... everyone yelled at me. my friend who was supposed to cover for me forgot it was daylight savings time so she didn't come in until 5 and i didn't get there until around 5:15... but like i didn't even give a shit... elise was really nice... i appreciate that...

after work i cuoldn't even do anything... i wasn't even hungry. i went over to elise's and we just sat and talked for a while... she has boston pizza bread and i ate some lol... yum and cold spring rolls guess i was hungry from the day... i don't know why i'm sad, like it was obvious that it was impossible and i was just a little too late but a lot too late.

i'm just staying up and playing tetris because i can't sleep... i ended up watching an episode of the big bang theory... i'm so bad... but i couldn't help it... i just needed to get my mind off it. you know whats sad? i'm glad to know that you were hurt over our breakup... i honestly thought you didn't care; that you just gave me a chance because i badgered you because you seemed so unphased... i'm glad i meant somethign to you even if i don't anymore...

i cried driving home and i cried when you texted me at night... i couldn't even read it... elise was like she'll text you later and then you did... i read it and thank you but no offense you can't really help me... since it'll just make me like you more... everytime i think i'm going somewehre.... it just takes one thing and i'm attached and back to square one. i work so hard to clean up the mess and put in into a tidy little box up in the attic but then i see you or i have one talk with you and everything just spills back out again... story of my lifeee... roseettteee crushedd sigh i loved singing that with you except you didnt' know i was singing it about you.

anyways i eventually passed out and like died at school since i had class at 8. after school i just didn't want to be alone so i went to my friends house and cooked for them... and then made him ruin his lent too but making him play NHL with me... i just couldn't go home and be alone... then i had volleyball and man was it shit... just complete ass i couldn't focus and just sucked and everyone else didn't do so well either... and that just made everything worse because that was supposed to be fun and i was looking so forward too it... then i went back over to his house and just chilled some more... but still didn't eat much...

i feel sick like so sick... it is even like manifesting physically... i stayed at jerry's place until like midnight... and then i made my way home... and i don't even wann aplay video games... i don't know.. i feel sick.. and tired but i can't even sleep or eat...

i kinda wanna cut you out... it'd make everything so much easier... but so much worse at the same time. plus i am the type to just put on my smile and suck it up but id on't know if i can keep that up... why did you stop caring? i wuold never stop caring... like no matter how much i get screwed over.. because thats what friends do... like i guess you just got fed up with me and pasha but i think thats what friendship is all about... if you do something stupid your friends willl forgive you or understand even if you hurt them because they know you and give you the benefit of the doubt everything single time... i've been screwed over by pasha plenty of times but in the end we're just good buddies... i cuold never just care less... i dont' know how you managed to do that... its like hwo pasha said... true friends can just go over to each other's house and take a nap without asking because even though thats inconvenient or a hassle a friend would understand... you're always welcome to come take a nap if you're tired but i feel like i'm not....

and i really hate how when i said so no, not ever you said well "i dunno" and "i can't say"... like fuck really just leave me a little hook to get stuck on... like just a sliver of hope... i know you were just trying to be honest but like really? REALLY? gosh... if the chances are 1/million or even less you know i'd take those odds... so now what? i don't know... elise said it'll get better over time... but i don't know...

i can't just go hang out with people everyday and school is starting up again... i'll just be alone... i don't think i can go to your birthday... it's just to hard to put on a happy face because id on't wanna bring down the fun of the party right?

so i'm listening to that zelda medley again as my nose clogs up and i sit... alone brooding... i don't know what else to type but i can't sleep yet... hope this doesn't last too long....