you just don't understand...

i try to be your friend i really do... its just so hard...

if i try to text you, you will reply but then if i respond after that ususally nothing... and like i understand you don't have unlimited texting ... or like on msn you'll just be busy.. .always always busy...  or the one time i texted to see if we could talk when i really needed someone to talk to you specifically told me not to call...

or how we're supposed to go do this or hang out then.. but like something always comes up... and like i get that you're busy but like everytime? either you don't care and forget or i don't have very high priority and if something comes up well then thats too bad... so either way it sucks...

the only time we ever get to talk is if its convenient.... like when i'm driving you home... or if i "catch you" in cameron which i try to a lot because its nice to see you but i just end up seeing phil a bunch ... but i thought we were really tight you know? like good friends like someone i could turn to when i really someone to talk to...  but like my effect on your life... well lack of effect just makes it so clear how much different everything is to you... you matter to me as a friend but as i keep trying it makes me realize how insignificant i am in yours..

and like getting into med i knew that was gonna happen, like a lot of my friends were out of convenience like we had the same classes and friends and it sucks a lot. knowing that people don't actually care. liek my life isn't really good right now... like i almost regret getting into med because i left so much behind... and that sucks enough as it is..... but i thought you were different... i thought we went way back.. and it sucks even more how wrong i was...

i don't mean to guilt trip you adn i'm sorry my ex is causing you so much trouble... and i really hope you meant it when you said you'd have more time after. it just hurts me to have to nag you so much and guilt you all the time just to get you to hang out with me. so no i don't want to see you this tuesday since  "we can go if I want" ... it has to be what you want too. it just feels so one way... and thats the worse kind of feeling for me because i've never had many friends. always just a few close ones... and maybe i'm just being an oversensitive baby but pasha's drifted away... and well angela well i wronged her so she's kind of there but not... so i just don't really have anyone right now...

i'm not trying to be mean or anything... i just wish you could understand what its like for me.... how my life isn't nice and perfect but actually kinda shitty and lonely... and superficial... and thats the worst...

sigh...

i'm always very confused... about what i want and how i feel. i just never really know. like i feel sad sometimes... so so sad and alone because i have no one to talk to. i mean to really talk to and who wants to talk and listen back. like i do have people who would and who care... but i don't really... its just not the same. they don't want to know what i did today which haha for some reason i think is a big deal... so if you ever date me make sure you ask me how my day went because holy shit it just bugs me....

at the same time it just goes away sometimes and everything is all good but when its bad its just so bad. i don't really know what i'm saying. sometimes i think i should take her back i really want to and not for the physical stuff but moreso just so that i can have someone who loves me but then i don't know if i'll love her back and that just wouldn't be fair at all... but then i satisfy my needs (emotional NOT physcial) through other girls who i don't really feel that way about either who end up hurt too... and i guess that makes me a dick and a douche but i just don't know and sometimes i can't help it....

i wish i would just know what i want and go for it... but too bad life's never that simple... so i just keep going and trying to not hurt anyone and failing at it.... i'm sorry about it... i really wish you could understand... i tend to sweet talk girls and have them fall for me but half of it is all bullshit because that is who i am. a fucking bullshitter i took IB and did debate i just know how to talk out of my ass and on my feet and i know what you want to hear so sometimes i just say it... and everything is all good until it all falls to hell and then its just shit complete shit and i know this ... well at least i do now but its just too fucking late isn't it? just fucking too late and now i'm just so fucking apprehensive about everything and i'm just going through medical school like a moron... oh and every now and again i daydream and pretend i'm ross and that you're my rachel and that even though shit is all fucked up that one day it'll all be better... but too bad life isn't a fucking sitcom...

when the going gets tough i just run... which i hate but sometimes thats what you gotta do you just gotta cut your losses but then other times you gotta tough it out stick it through and hope that it's all worth it. the problem is i can never tell which it is... and like on every fucking multiple choice exam when you narrow it down to the two options you will always guess wrong and fuck shit up like FUCK...

i really wish people cared enough to read this... but like i said they just don't and i guess its because i don't tell them about it but i mean if you really wanted to know you'd ask right? like when i'm genuinely interested in someone i ask .... anyways i don't blame them because you can't really expect people to go so far... but i dunno i'd just like feedback sometimes especially from you men even though we don't talk much you know me so well.. because for some reason i chose you to open up to and to trust and you've always given my the benefit of the doubt but still been real with me and gave me solid advice but now the seldom talk is gone and its just non-existent and i try to talk to you i really do on msn and shit but offline messaging just fucks up sometimes and then you blame me but at least that shows you still fucking care so that was okay... and you banana... i feel like we've drifted so much.... and it just really sucks.... heh i'm tearing up writing this shit so fuck me... i am pretty fucked up......... i really wanna thank tails and gel though... they're the only reason i'm not some fucking suicidal emo kid.... tails doesn't even know it but him always being there is so nice... and same with gel she doesn't even know how much that one phone conversation helped.....  and you always say to just phone and talk and that you're always available but i just can't force that on you... because i know that even if you were busy and had a million tests and papers you'd drop it if i really needed to talk... but then again i've never tried and it would only result in either 1) you didn't stop to talk to me which would just be fucking terrible or 2) you'd get screwed over... so its like fucking lose lose so i just have to suck it up and fucking go on living my fucking life....

so now i'm just listening to the zelda medley over and over again on youtube.... that helps a bit... but the most fucked up thing is that tomorrow morning everything is just gonna fucking go back to status fucking quo because i just tolerate it... and don't do anything about it.. until it gets so bad that i just can't take it.. .but it'll never ever get that bad because my tolerance is so fucking high ... no wonder i say that i support the conversatives its because thats how i run my life.... gel you always say that if something isn't good go do something about it... but i'm just not that guy i'm a watcher... an introvert and its so hard for me to step up and take action ... like its gut wrenching.... but anyways i should really stop rambling the tears and crusting on my cheeks now....