all i can do is play HoN and be reminded of how i used to pick that over talking to you... how fucking dumb was that? but i can't help but play because there's nothing else... just aloneness... so i play and i get to talk to people mainly just idiot gamers like myself who are just bitching about how stupid the other players are but... its something and thats all i get... oh and that song my taylor swift... my december well covered by that christina grimmie girl... maybe i'm just being ridiculous but that song just stays on repeat and i really think it applies to me...
i mean i'm gonna man up and win you back! i just gotta i don't know what else i'd do.... solomia tells me to not get my hopes up and i know i shouldn't but i can't help it... but hope and hope and hope... it's probably too late and retarded but i can't help but think about you. i can't help to think what if? maybe just maybe? but reality is gonna hit soon and well i hope shit doesn't hit the fan...
i want you to know that i value your friendship the most. like the most. like it goes immediate family than you and chrisitian... and sometimes i just tell myself i shuold smile because you're my friend and not cry because maybe thats all i am to you... but FUCK settling. you're the gold medal and i want that i don't wany anything less.. if things go wrong just know that please know that you're soo important to me no matter what happens like you have no idea. and thats kinda my fault because you can't understand whats goign on in my brain because i' weird..... i just want to at least have tried.. one last time...
you know what else sucks? we broke up over the phone... i cried myself to sleep and i was actually so hurt... that i wasn't even gonna come to class... but i wanted to see you... but then you didn't show up the next day either.. and i don't know, i really wish you did, so we could've talked but you didn't and we just didn't talk because i didn't call for a long time.... because i'm dumb and had unrealistic expectations that the relationship was gonna be perfect since you are perfect but thats not how the world works... then you saw me getting free pizza with jessica and that was soo wrong...
it looked bad and it was bad... like i texted her a lot when we were dating at the end but it wasn't like i was seriously considering dumping you for her or anything close at ALL...like that homewrecker shit.. all i wanted was for you to tell me i was being stupid and then i'd stop.. ijust wanted that confirmation but then we got into a big argument and like fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck....all for a fucking ego trip... but now i realize i was jsut being stupid and selfish... but then we did break up and she was there to be my rebound... and i regret it so much...
i'm real sorry for making you come to my birthday with her there... that was kinda dumb... and kinda when i realized i definitely wasn't over you... i just couldn't just break it off with her though... so i spent another month or whatever it was in a loveless relationship only to end it later... honestly i don't know how i got through that summer... i think i just immersed myself in two jobs and stayed up late watching stupid tv shows... to keep my mind off of shit........
i tried raelly hard to mend things with you... texting and shit was awkward at first not gonna lie.. but i toughed it out.. and there was a lot of you calling me stupid and i took it.... and i don't think we were really okay until after i wrote you that christmas card.... i spent so long trying to convey the right message.... the part about being good friends since we tried and failed was a bit of a fib... but hey i'm not perfect... i was pretty dissapointed when i read yours... there wasn't any substance behind it... but i guess its because you didn't have anything to write.... at least you thoughtful enough to know i needed black socks... unless that was just a random purchase but either way....
all these cougars and shit... fuck meee i'm like actually not interested at ALL. liek maybe i think i am... kinda like with white girl at start of the year but as soon as anything starts i just don't feel it... i just want you. and like with this other chick... again i know i talked to you about like maybe getting with her... but like i didn't want that... i didn't see myself ending up with her... and i maybe wanted her there to have someone to talk to and care for me and NOT mess around with like you implied... but in the end i decided against it... because again i can't keep my mind off you...
maybe i'm some hopeless guy with a delusional mind but it must be your fault for bludgeoning me in the head with your personality and beatufiul good looks and athleticism and brains and just EVERYTHING. the way you used to flinch hardcore when i poked you in the side... and how crazy you got with solomia... or how you think your feet or gross... or how sam tied your shoes to your desk that one day...rofl...
i hope reminiscing isn't all i get to do from now on....
fuck i really need to study for my cardio midterm... hopefully i can now at least a bit...
I feel bad for not being there for you when you seemed to have been having a really rough time. Again, although I'm a complete outsider, had no idea of the situation, I wish you'd have talked to me, and that I could have offered you some support. Ah well... I hope you don't regretting sharing your blog with me either, now that I'm literring your posts with comments. But I think the acknowledgement of hardship is better than silence, don't you think? Plus, if I'm being an ass, just let me know and delete them comments (or tell me to if you can't, but that'd be ridic). :(
ReplyDeleteOn another sequitur but not really note, I started a blog because of you! Well, not really. I started a blog in order to enable myself to respond to your blog, because blogspot is a huge fail and doesn't recognize livejournal. OH WELL.